Highlights of Life

miss my journal

I just realize how much I miss journalling. What an outlet to be completely honest. And sometimes to reflect, and see the growth (or the lack thereof) in personality. I think it was the one place where I was completely honest (as much as the human heart could be honest). However, now I don’t journal, and infact barely have time to reflect on life. Life is so busy sometimes. Where does all the time go?

I used to keep a few journal entries in my gmail documents a while back. But, I noticed recently how invasive google is with their data collection of personal info, and it scared me. So I went back and deleted them all. But nothing was deleted until I read the entires once. The force of emotion, hurt, and bluntness, as well as sometimes anger that boiled within the entires surprised me. I guess sometimes time does heal the heart, and makes one forget. With the passage of time, one forgets the injustices that may have been done to them… But isn’t that a good thing?

To have a great memory, and to be constantly reminded, and to feel the emotions never melt away cause you remember, and then feel hurt… how awful that must be. It must make things doubly hard to forgive.

The entries also reminded me how dysfunctional families are (no matter how perfect they may seem on the surface). And with Asian families, this dichotomy in appearance and reality is so HUGE.

Life is odd. And journalling is GOOD for the soul… as is heartfelt prayer. The time to be honest about the state of one’s heart, is only a GOOD thing. Perhaps I should take up journalling again.. but when, and where? Do I journal in a book like I used to do in the “old days” before people became tech savvy, or should I do it on an online site? And how secure are the online sites? Knowing me, these questions will probably be enough for me not to restart journalling again. Oh well. I never did claim procrastination was a good thing.

dealing with insomnia

Actually that title is misleading, as I’m not “dealing” with it at all. I seem to have it… and don’t know what to do about it. It’s now 6 am in the morning, and I haven’t slept a wink. The most disturbing part is that I don’t feel exhausted or tired. My mind feels a bit numb… in a weird sort of way, but other than that, I don’t have this overwhelming urge to go to sleep.

I miss sleeping. I used to require 8 hours of sleep a night to function properly, even during my university days, when my peers used to pull all-nighters. But ever since losing an ovary, I seem to not need sleep. In fact, I seem to survive on 3 to 4 hours of sleep a day. This disturbs me a lot. I sometimes wonder if it’s the drop in progesterone or something, related to losing the ovary. *sigh*

I worry about not sleeping. One would think I would enjoy the extra hours I have in the middle of the night, but I don’t. Instead, I lie in bed and wonder why I can’t sleep and where is my overwhelming need to sleep. This niggles at my brain and then I get out of bed, and do other stuff in the hopes that sleep will return, but it doesn’t.

I bet it’s hormonally related with the loss of the ovary. But what can I do? It’s not like I can grow another ovary again.

Anyways, it’s 6 am, I’m not sleepy, but I feel a bit numb and dizzy from not being well rested. It’s an odd sensation. I WANT to sleep…. but my body isn’t sleepy. *sigh*

So instead, here I am blogging, in the weirdest hours of the night. 6 am. Sheesh.

Did I ever mention that I like fox news slogan? “Fair and balanced”…. it brings a smile to my face. Only fox will carry some tabloid headlines in their front section of their online news, and whenever I mention it to my husband, he’ll ask me why I read such trash. I simply reply with an innocent look on my face, and protest, “but it’s fair and balanced news!” Love their slogan.

I’m going to try to sleep… goodnight…errr, morning.

2 weeks and counting

baby and I are sick. Awful respiratory infection. My mom is taking care of us… and she is no great shape herself, so I feel a bit guilty and awful. But she does such a great job. From making asian soups to hot teas, it simply is so wonderful to have my mom help out. And the little one just absolutely loves her and it’s such a joy to see them interacting with each other. There are some blessings in life, that can not be replaced with anything but witnessing it yourself… and one of those joys are seeing my mom and daughter interact together. There is so much love, and sweetness and pure innocence there…

It’s now been 2 weeks… and hopefully by the end of this week, this darn thing will go away. I’m just afraid my mom will catch whatever it is we have… so here is to praying that she doesn’t.

I ended up spending my birthday in bed, sick, and coughing, and hacking away, blowing my nose, and going through boxfuls of tissue. I barely paid attention to the little one, and ended up pretty much hoisting her care onto my mom. Bless her heart.

Dozing in and out of sleep… all I did was eat, sleep, eat, sleep and sleep some more. Hopefully all this rest will hep me recuperate. There was a little part of me that felt cheated out of celebrating my birthday, as I was hoping we could all go out to dinner… but somethings are more important (i.e. getting better and getting rid of this infection).

I think the pregnancy is also affecting my immune system… because this thing is taking a LOT longer than I expected.

I hate being sick. Even if it’s a stupid respiratory infection.

Thursday January 14

Baby is sleeping in bed, and it’s 7:30 pm. It’s quiet at home right now. These days, the house is a mess. It’s like a hurricane went through our home. It doesn’t help that a lot of things in the home grow little legs and walk around, and randomly are placed elsewhere. Thanks to a little person, unless it’s put super high and out of her reach, things go walking. Half the time, the contents of my purse, my cell phone and my digital camera walk around the home. I don’t know why, but she is so fascinated by my purse and the contents of my wallet. It’s like I do a scavenger hunt every night for the missing contents of my wallet.

I really should be cleaning house, but instead here I am just taking a break. Relaxing. But part of me wishing that I was more disciplined, and diligent. It would be nice to move to a bigger place, where the baby can have her own playroom. Where our office is not within her reach. Currently, our living room is the playroom, the office, the spare guest room, the dining room and whatever function is required of it.

But life is good. Generally speaking. Baby is well behaved, healthy, active and happy… and that makes everything so much easier in life.

We need a 2nd car. Unfortunately, we missed out on cash for clunkers…. and we also missed out on buying the GM matrix when GM cars went on sale last month. But I guess it is to be expected. We are, afterall, living in the land of 1/2 asians and 1/2 indians (metaphorically speaking), and thus anything on sale that is of any worth doesn’t last long here. Vultures circle the sale racks here.

Life is a roller coaster of events. It would be nice to have a vacation one of these days. I think the last one we took was about 6 years ago. Between work, family, and simply living life, it’s almost like we forget to take vacations. I need to be more like my friend B. She and her husband are always taking a cruise about every 6 months. Pregnancy, work, and buying homes aside… they do take their vacations. I think the harder one works, the more one needs a true vacation. Yes, it’s about time we took one. I think that is a goal for this year (2010)…. to plan and go on a real family vacation to relax.

It always seems I’m wishing and hoping and trying to be more disciplined. I can’t remember how far back when I started to wish I was more disciplined.

The older I get, the more I realize that life never gets any less busy. In fact, it may only get busier and busier. The more responsibilities, the more we juggle things, the more things are on our plate, the more busy it gets. And I never seem to stop wishing that I could manage my time better, to be more diligent, and disciplined. Yes the “D” word again. However, I do not think it is a bad thing to wish or strive for. I know it’s a flaw of mine, and it’s something I’m working on.

Now I just need a “work in progress” sign.

Nehemiah

So after a few chapters, this is what I can see…

Nehemiah is a man who was a leader in a difficult time period… who achieved the extra-ordinary for God.

Qualities he had:
1. faith – unmovable, unshakable
2. attitude of prayer, and constant prayer – even while working
3. ** disciplined **
4. ** hard working **
5. wisdom
6. favor in eyes of God and man
7. uncorrupted attitude – man of integrity
8. fear of God (not the fear of man)
9. COURAGE

And from what really stands out in the 1st few chapters … is PRAYER. Constant, unceasing, prayer to God for help, strength, wisdom, favor….
How important prayer is…

Church on Sunday

Today’s sermon at church was on spiritual warfare. I missed a bit of the beginning sermon… but what I walked away from the sermon was that we all have these voices that try to bring us down… full of falsehood and lies. Lies from the enemy that run through our mind. The pastor was suggesting, like Nehemiah, we should journal these thoughts such that we can confront them. To be honest and deal with them.

I am not too sure about this notion. It seems rather strange that if a lie or a falsehood is running through my head, I should write it down, so I can contemplate it’s truth. Wouldn’t it be better to simply just ignore such falsehoods?

I do not know. It seems a strange thought to me. Perhaps I should read Nehemiah’s story once more to figure out the truth about this journalling thing.

Today, I couldn’t help but admire the wonder of God’s handiwork, which is our daughter. Children, in general, are an amazing gift from God. What a beautiful and daily reminder of how great and awesome He is?

One thing I should like to do this year… is to not take for granted the many blessings God has given me/us. Sometimes I look beyond the blessings, to the hard work that lies ahead. But perhaps, I should sometimes just wait upon God’s presence and revel in his glory and his amazing provision for us.

Yes, that is one thing I would like to do. The other thing I would like to achieve is better habits and increase the health of my body (as well as my family’s). Afterall, the body is the temple. I do not want to worship the body… this physical body…but by the same taken, I do not want to abuse it. To be more disciplined about my health, eating habits, exercise… that is what I want to do. Balance, is a good thing.

As I read Nehamiah, it’s true that yes, he did journal his thoughts, and the going on of the physical warfare, and the verbal attacks that began, and the plotting that occurred as the wall of Jerusalem was built. But what strikes me is that more than mere journalling of the warfare, is how often Nehemiah prayed. He prayed unceasingly, “arrow prayers” as the bible points, as well as long, fasting, mourning prayers. He even prayed before tying the prayer to an action, and a concrete physical activity. Prayer and faith in the midst of the storm is what stands out in my mind… although he did journal, it seems secondary to the prayers he did.

The other thing that strikes me as I continue reading, is how when he is faced with more challenges and difficulty (verbal relays of plotting), he ACTED. He didn’t despair. Instead he then stationed people with swords, spears and bows. Warfare material. Then he followed it up with verbal encouragement to his people, reminding them of God’s graciousness, and power and telling them not to be afraid. This is then followed up with organization tactics of dividing 50% of the force to rebuilding the wall, and the other 50% to being equipped with fighting gear (spears, shields, bows, and armor). Wow.

So this is what I see:
-prayer
-ACTION
-lack of dispair
-verbal encouragement and remembering God’s power
-more ACTION

The ACTION is what I find intriguing. 50% goes towards rebuilding the wall, the other 50% towards defense and warfare. If we are to take this type of math and apply it to spiritual warfare, then we should not only concentrate on God’s work 100%, and do it, but divide our energy and time into half-and-half. 50% of our time and energy should be spent doing God’s work (whatever we are called to do), but the other 50% of our time should also prep us for spiritual warfare and battle (gearing up for it). This I find interesting.

Living in the Moment

I recently had a chance to watch “The Time Traveler’s Wife”. It was exactly as I expected. A bit melodramatic, a bit sad, a bit romantic, a bit slow, and not too bad in overall acting. The reality of it is, for the majority of the movie, I couldn’t stop crying. How embarrassing. Sniffling away, and wiping away tears, all the while pretending to be doing something else. There is something so wrong in sharing one’s vulnerable feelings with other people… at least for me. I would say, it is probably one of the better movies out this holiday season, although a bit wearing on the emotions and tears.

The one thing I walked away with from the movie, was to always try to live in the moment. After all, the poor guy in the movie was always missing out on the current moment, and jumping either ahead or behind to the other moments in time. Although perhaps mystifying, and magical at times… it still left him and his loved ones feeling frustrated and cheated of their “time” together. Poor fellow… all he really desired was to live in the moment, only his body wouldn’t let him.

And then I realized how many things we can miss on the day-to-day basis by not living in the moment. And then I looked at my daughter, and realized how all she ever does is live in the moment. Everything is absolutely magical, and wonderful and a learning experience. There is not one ounce of her yearning for the time to go faster, or yearning for the clock to move backwards. Of course, at her age, she probably doesn’t have a true concept of time…. but nonetheless…. it’s wonderful to see her in action.

She reminds me to live in the moment, to not miss out on the wonderful things in life, and the beauty of “THE NOW”…. right in front of me. Such joy, such pleasure and such emotions fill her as she relishes EVERYTHING around her. And as I watched her, and as I reflected on the movie, I realized how many times I have often overlooked the blessings of NOW, to make plans for the future, of think about the past.

To be present, here, in mind, body and in spirit… to not be taking this moment for granted, to not be wasting it away, is so important. How many blessings and opportunities do we miss out each day, but focusing our eye sight on a different time?

Thank goodness for children, who are a daily reminder to live life exuberantly, and enjoy the many blessings of now. What a productive world we would live in, if we all became like little children. Living each moment with all fullness, they do all activities with absolute enthusiasm. There is no wasting of time, or productivity…. for the world is theirs to discover.

May I become more childlike in my heart, as I continue to live and grow.

Monday January 4

Today was the 1st work day of the week after the holiday season. How the day started off with a list so long, and ambitious… that it made me wonder if exactly how much of it I would end up tackling. In terms of errands, I did tie up a bunch of loose ends via phone and internet. But physically, I did not do all that I meant to do today.

But on a side note, our family did go out for dinner tonight (in a LOOONG time). It was quite enjoyable. All seemed uneventful, but it wasn’t until we had left the restaurant, and had almost returned home that I realized that my mother had left her sheep skin hat at the restaurant. Dismayed, we raced back, hoping that it would still be there. For my mother, for whom heat retention is very important, this hat was a vital piece of outerwear that she didn’t want to lose.

I said a quick prayer in my heart as we drove back. But inside, I felt anxious and worried… and even guilty that I hadn’t done a final check to see that nothing was left behind. But then I remembered that we needed to have faith in our prayers. And I tried to strengthen my resolve that our prayers and hope that the hat would still be there would be answered. Of course, the operative being “tried” as my feeble attempt was probably not too successful. But as God would have it, the hat was still in the original spot (about 30 minutes after we had left)… and our table had not yet been cleared. Praise God for his little blessings. For although it may seem like a little blessing, in reality, finding what was lost was in actuality a big relief and a big blessing from Him.

Sometimes, I think I can do without the little bits of excitement in my life… the kind of excitement where one loses things, and then finds them again. I would simply prefer things were not lost to begin with. One can only hope.

I’d forgotten

I’d forgotten about this blog.

Life has been busy. And it’s so easy to get so consumed in the day-to-day matters, and forget about a lot of things. I forgot about this blog.
Actually, I decided I would stop blogging for a while… and then… I forgot about this blog.

It took me a while to find this blog login and password again.

I don’t even recall how many people (in my life) that I shared this blog’s website.

The reality is that 2009 was quite a year. And as we start 2010… a lot of hopes and wishes fill my heart. And there is also a part of me that fears and falters at the thought that I’ll be making vain promises, and wonders how quickly I will soon ignore the promises (like an alcoholic who falls off the wagon).

But then, I guess that regardless of whether it is January 1st, or any other random day in the year…. the reality is that as Christians, it is not by our own power that we do things… but through the power of Christ (who dwells in me). And through God’s power in me, all things are possible, including changing old habits, and doing what seems to be the impossible.

Where shall I start about 2009?

Well, I have to actually go back to about 5 years ago, when our family started to attend an amazing church, and we realized that ALL things are possible through God. To dream big dreams, to pray for big things, and imagine BIG things in life. To dream big, and go from there.

It’s kind of incredible how we went from there, and over the last 5 years, how many amazing things have come through.

The power of prayer… certainly something to be reckoned with.

Anyways, many wonderful blessings have occurred in the year 2009. At the same time, there have been some personal heartbreaks in my life as well. With the may joys of life, there have also been issues and conflicts which may have grieved the heart. Alas, it is an imperfect and fallen world we live in. And that is clear from the way people behave, to sometimes how we react in response… we are all fallen and are still a work in progress.

Life is complicated at times. But one thing I can say with absolute certainty…. God IS GOOD, and life is abundant and full of His blessings. Sometimes I look at the abundance of His provision, and stand in awe.

And for all of God’s blessings He has provided us in 2009, I give thanks and praise.
Literally, I can not be as eloquent as the people who wrote Psalms, and praised God… so I can only say… “ditto on the book of Psalms”

Anyways… here is to 2010. The hopes, and desires… wishes… and goals… to be prayerful….
To dream big, to think big, and to then act upon the opportunities when God opens the doors. To act in faith… but not to act rashly or foolishly… but rather to act in wisdom and understanding.

For to be on God’s side, means to be on the winning side… to experience a life full of blessing and joy, and be part of an amazing adventure in life.
For that, we strive towards.

How exciting we are embarking on another new year. May we live it fully, making the most of every opportunity that God puts forth our way. May 2010 bring many blessings, such that we can be a blessing unto others.

motherhood

Motherhood is a lot of work. But I wouldn’t trade it in for the world. I adore my baby… and as I watch her grow up so quickly everyday, I wonder at God’s grace, and beauty. How awesome He is in creating something so wonderful.

As she is now about 9 months old, the desire is stirring once more to perhaps consider a sibling for our little one. Just because I’ve had one child… doesn’t mean the desire to have another child disappears… infact, it’s stronger. Having experienced the joy of motherhood… I only seem to want more. It’s like an addictive drug.. only so much better (not that I’ve tried addictive drugs), but I can only imagine.

The little one is growing every day. I really should start scrapbooking her growth … but I haven’t yet. One of these days, I will. Before she turns 3 or so…