Highlights of Life

Motherhood is a lot of work. But I wouldn’t trade it in for the world. I adore my baby… and as I watch her grow up so quickly everyday, I wonder at God’s grace, and beauty. How awesome He is in creating something so wonderful.

As she is now about 9 months old, the desire is stirring once more to perhaps consider a sibling for our little one. Just because I’ve had one child… doesn’t mean the desire to have another child disappears… infact, it’s stronger. Having experienced the joy of motherhood… I only seem to want more. It’s like an addictive drug.. only so much better (not that I’ve tried addictive drugs), but I can only imagine.

The little one is growing every day. I really should start scrapbooking her growth … but I haven’t yet. One of these days, I will. Before she turns 3 or so…

I find that when walk into the bedroom where my baby child is sleeping, and look down at her, an incredible sense of absolute love overwhelms me, and it is basically one of the best moments in my day.  As I stare down at her sleeping form, so quiet, so peaceful, so sweet, I can’t help but fall in love with her all over again.  I marvel at her sweet posture, and her absolutely serene facial expressions… and as I watch her breathe in, and out… there is nothing more sweeter than my sleeping child.

I wonder, how much more God must love us as a father, and is what I am feeling for my daughter, any inkling of what he must feel for me?

What a prophetic song that Steven Curtis Chapman wrote about in his CD that includes “CInderella” and “Miracle of the Moment”….

As I sit and listen to some of SCC’s songs and read about his personal tragedy with his youngest daughter, my heart is moved and grieves over what happened to his family.

And as I hear the song Miracle of the Moment, I can’t help but be touched by the absolute truth of the song. How worrying about the future won’t add another day, and anxiety and worry and fears will do squat for our situation. And in the midst of my utter exhaustion and fatigue over caring for our newborn, I am absolutely touched by God’s grace through the lyrics of this song.

Cause truth be told, exhaustion and fatigue can take away from any wonder in any moment. And as I sat here feeding and burping my child this morning, and counting the minutes before she fell asleep (and she is a darn good sleeper and a non-fussy child), and as my mind ran through the lists of things I needed to do before her next wake cycle and feeding, I suddenly realized how I had let the business of the future crowd the enjoyment of the moment. It then hit me as I sat there holding and cradling my sleeping daughter in my arms, how absolutely wonderful the moment was, and what a blessing God had given us.

I then breathed a deep breath in, and simply enjoyed the blessing that moment brought… to be holding my sleeping daughter quietly in my arms. Simultaneously, I realized how she would not always forever be this size, where I could totally hold her entirely in my arms, and that one of these days, our daughter would grow up. And that although I may mind her 3 hourly feedings, and changing her diapers, and being woken up at 1am or 4am in the mornings to stumble around to meet her needs in my sleep, in light of her actual presence and contribution to our family life, I absolutely loved her and those tasks didn’t seem so terrible after all.

Anyways, “Miracle of the Moment” is a wonderful song that reminds us of God’s absolute grace and mercy. Of how in each moment, when we can only see the negative aspects of fatigue and exhaustion, there is a wonderful silver and gold lining the moment that shouldn’t be missed. That if we go around becoming anxious and worried over the little things, we forget and overlook the many blessings God has included in that particular moment.

Great song…

It’s time for letting go
All of our “if onlies”
Cause we don’t have a time machine

And even if we did
Would we really want to use it
Would we really want to go change everything

Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment

There’s only One who knows
What’s really out there waiting
And all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He’s out there waiting
To Him the future’s history

And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment

And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
Let them soften your heart

And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go
Let it go, yeah
You gotta let it go

And listen to your heartbeat

And breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment

And breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment

Last month, we gave birth to a beautiful little girl. Part Asian and part East Indian, and 100% American, she is absolutely beautiful. Now about 1 month later after giving birth to her, I sit here and wonder at the absolutely incredible miracle that God has given us. I understand she is not mine, and not ours… not like a piece of furniture which one owns, but rather, she is absolutely His (ie. God’s), and precious in His sight. Likewise, we are entrusted as her parents to take care of her and bring her up to fulfill her destiny.

But during these absolutely quiet moments in the night, there is an awe that still fills my heart. Initially it was an awe that this human life came from inside my womb, and was created by God. The thought just filled me with wonder. And during the initial few weeks, there was this incredible awe at how fragile and small she was. She was literally limp as a newborn, with little muscle strength… and that fact along with that God would entrust her wellbeing to us was awe inspiring.

Now tonight, as I look at her peaceful and quiet sleeping face, I can not but wonder at how great God is. How faithful, and great He is. To create life…. and to know she is fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. wow.

And as a new parent, to know that Steven Curtis Chapman recently lost his daughter this year, is heart breaking. To hear his song, “Cinderalla” is heart wrenching, as I come to the realization that our life on earth is temporary, and and fleeting and that every moment with our children should be cherished and loved.

Already as she grows, day-by-day, I can not believe how incredible the human body is… and how fast children grow up. And likewise, I remember that our children is not our little demi-gods, to be worshiped as so many parents are prone to do these days in today’s society. Living rooms overfilled with toys beyond what 100 children could possibly play with (let alone 1 single child), and obsessing over the best school district, today’s parents have become so hung up over children, that I’m thinking it’s probably not the model of family life that God intended.

So it is our goal to bring up our little newborn to be godly woman of God, who knows God as her personal Saviour, and to teach her what God would want us to teach. To equip her and provide love and shelter and with all that she needs to be a wise young woman of God who loves God with all her heart, soul and mind. This is our goal. And some days, as a new parent, simply getting through the day, and through our extreme fatigue and exhaustion seems like a daunting task… but I guess with God’s help, all things are possible (and that is all we need).

So praise God, for His goodness, and His extreme wisdom in knowing what is good for us, and His provision and most of all, His grace… and His mercy. May we be the parents that God intends and wants us to be. Amen.

This week, I’m able to spend sometime with my mother. She’s been giving me the royal treatment, cooking this wonderful chicken soup that is simply divine and hearty and warming right down to the tip of the toes. Heavenly….

And I feel so blessed. I know it’s the way she shows her love for me… by doing stuff for me… cooking and other motherly things… and I am thankful to God for the many blessings in my life. For simple pleasures like enjoying my mother’s cooking.

She’s been not feeling well lately. I have a suspicion that she may have had another stroke. She complains about not being able to use her right hand properly. And one of her front tooth broke last week, and she had it extracted (rather painfully too, I might add). Sometimes I feel so bad for her, but there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do. My life is so busy with my own stuff these days, that I can’t seem to make the time to help her out too much. *sigh*… and that bothers me.

I sometimes feel like the time I have with my parents are limited… and it makes me want to be more selfish and grab more time with them as much as I can… while they are still able to spend time with me. That thought makes me feel rather down and a bit pressured these days. Or perhaps it’s the guilt of being so far away from them sometimes as well.

I am lucky to know that my parents loved me and still love me… and for that I am so deeply grateful. I know some people don’t know how much their parents love them (when they do) and miss out on many blessings that are available to them. I also know our family may not have been the ideal loving picture of the Brady Bunch family… dysfunctional and Asian all the way, but that’s OK… because each and every person and family is different. Despite our dysfunctionality, there was a love that my parents gave us, and as an adult today, I now know and appreciate very much.

I only hope that I can be as selfless as my mother was, as idealistic as my father was, as caring as my mother, and as prayerful as my dad was. It’s sad to realize that my parents are getting old and on in years, and it’s sad to see them looking so frail. Sometimes I wonder how did all this time pass, cause sometimes I still feel like a little kid around them… and yet now seeing them so fragile, I want to simply sweep them up into my arms and hug them and protect them. And that thought kind of makes me want to cry at their humanity and frailty. Ah… perhaps I’m getting too sentimental.

sigh.

I find it really interesting that there has recently been a flurry of reports in the media of people who have won the lottery.  People who were suddenly given millions and millions of dollars that they had only dreamed up of before.  Anyways, the documentary (?) by the tv company does a biography of these various instant millionaires, and how their lives turned out after becoming one of the fortunate few.  Unfortunately for them, their lives all end in tragedy or misery or divorce or suicide or drugs or lawsuits or any combination of the above.

Some of these folks are good church going people as well.  It’s baffling to me really.  How winning incredible sums of monies actually end up being a curse upon these peoples lives, and they end up being more miserable than when their life was poor and full of hardship.

Hmmm.  Food for thought.   I am sure there is a biblical proverb in there somewhere.  It’s just not coming to mind at the moment….

how blessed life is.  I just realized today as I looked at a friends photos of Africa, it struck me exactly how privileged we are to live in such a rich and wealthy country.   Although the photos were absolutely gorgeous, and it took your breath away, at the same time, you couldn’t help but cry out for the children in the pictures.  Walking around barefoot, in tattered clothing, following the tourists and mesmerized by the cameras, and unable to attend school, the photos were heart breaking.  Pictures of little girls doing their chores, and pictures of children asking for pens, the absolutely astounding level of poverty simply screamed out at you.  It was heart wrenching.  At the same time, all the children were full of smiles.

And here we are living in North America, with our stomachs full, with opportunity and wealth and blessings at every turn, and we take it all for granted… and forget what He has done for us.   How sad a picture it is… for the ones who want, and the ones who have.

This morning, as I read some blogs on the net, some questions crossed my mind. Or more truthfully, I was disturbed reading the posts. Disturbed, not in a good, inspired and awesome way, but more disturbed in a shocked negative way by the heretical teachings I had come to peruse.

First the notion of God being male or female. The blogger was interchangably using God as he/she, him/her, it/they/them etc. I think God is beyond being put into this little gender box. To argue male or female would be a futile argument. BUT – given that the Bible does take the notion of referring to God as “He”, and “Father” rather than “she” and “Mother”, it would be prudent to continue that line of thinking. To be inordinately caught up in society’s “politically correct” atmosphere and use “politically correct” terms seems to be bit of a fool’s argument.

Second, the notion of quieting one’s mind to the point of emptying it out. To me, that seems a teeny weeny bit dangerous. Emptying oneself to the point of being a blank slate, seems to be what non-Christian monks did to meditate and reach a higher level of “enlightenment”. To fall into this vague and mindless and pointless state of just “being”… and to be constantly be “in that moment” throughout one’s day and life seems to have very little usefulness.

Meditating on God’s words is a good idea. Prayerfully being quiet while praying, to hearing God’s words, is also a good idea. But to completely and empty oneself every single moment of the day, without filling up on God’s teachings… what exactly is the purpose???

There were more things in the blogger’s post that were disturbing as well. The notion that church, by the mere fact of having become an institution, was inherently bad.  It was not the construct that Jesus intended it to be, and therefore it was bad.  As a Christian, I have to respond by saying that we should know better and understand that church is not an institution, or an organization, but rather the body of God.  It serves to edify, and serve other members in the body.  However, being such a large group of people, it may become organized into a structure and function in a certain manner.  This doesn’t necessarily mean it is inherently evil or terrible.

Anyways, I really should read things more edifying, than blogs that may contain nothing more than mere fools gold, so early in the morning.  Perhaps it was just a blogger full of hippies with heretical ideas.  Who knows.

It’s been a while since I’ve set aside a chunk of my time to actually read the bible on my own. I mean, no bible study, no group, no church to cause me to crack open the book, but just me and God, all by ourselves. Time is so precious these days, that life can start crowding you in, till you forget the most essential things to do.

Last week, I started reading the old testament. Opened it up, and started reading from 1st Samuel, and continued to 2nd Samuel, and then 1st Kings, and am on 2nd Kings. It’s always so amazing how no matter how many times you reread something, there is always something new to discover, and wonder.

For instance, what truly struck me was that in 1st Samuel, it starts off with the story of Hannah. Hannah, who is unable to bear children, it is the grief of this one woman over being barren that is captured as the beginning story to this amazing chapter. Interesting really, given that the story ultimately leads onto amazing and great stories of wonderful characters such as King David, King Saul, Jonathan, and Elijah. And the amazing part is that her story is so closely detailed out. We find out she is tormented by the other woman. We see that she is loved by her husband, who gives her a double portion of meat simply because she is barren. We see that she has true faith in God, and driven by absolute grief and sadness, she prays at the temple, where words are not heard, but only a seen. Wow. And my heart goes out to this woman. How sad she must have been. And my heart rejoices as the story turns to one of joy as she bears Samuel, one of the greatest prophets there ever was.

The other thing that truly struck me as I read the book of Samuel and Kings is what a powerful and awesome God we have. I often read and remember the New Testament God, who forgives, and loves and is tender and gentle of heart. And I had forgotten, that our God is a God to be feared. A God, with whom we should be in awe of. There are stories in the old testament, where either Saul or King David disobeys God. Not too much, but just a little. A little compromise. Not a big deal right? NOPE. Not at all.

Instead, we see that even in little things, or large things, compromise can be seen as disobeying. You can’t simply sin a little. Sin is sin is sin. And for that, God becomes angry, and ultimately judges. For instance, King Solomon compromised in the later stages of his life. Wise, and blessed as he was, it says that his whole heart did not fully follow God. Instead he compromised. He built and allowed worship of other gods to occur, including detestable gods such as Molech. In fact, when I looked up Molech in wikipedia, it was an idol that was worshipped, and human (infant/children) sacrifice was made by burning them at the alter. Awful. And for those compromises, Solomon was judged.

So it made me reflect on my life as well. In what areas have I compromised myself or caused others close to me to compromise. And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to remember our God is an awesome God, and that I wanted my heart to wholly follow His, and not compromise. To follow God as David did till he died, for that in and of itself, has many blessings.

And the passages oddly enough gave me an incredible sense of peace. For the other thing the passages highlighted to me was that judgement over sin is not mine to dole out. Revenge is not my duty, for our God is awesome and just. That in good time, and in God’s time, he will pass judgement. And it is simply my duty to forgive, and to love. It’s tough.. this forgiving and loving thing really. So much easier to harbour hurt and anger over something or someone. But the reality of it is, is that the only one it ultimately hurts and eats away at is the person who harbours the anger and hurt.

Last night I read about a man of God who travelled from Judah (the Southern end) to where Jeroboam (the Northern tribes’ king) had made alters and false idols for the Israelites to worship at. (A purely tactical move to ensure that the people would not have to travel south to Jerusalem for sacrifice and prayer on special occasions). Well, this man of God obediently traveled north to Israel, and made a public proclamation against King Jeroboam about his sin (causing worship of idols), and his punishment in front of many witnesses. When King Jeroboam in anger stretched out his hand toward this man of God in anger, his hand shriveled up. At which point this man of God even interceded on behalf of Jeroboam, which aided in the healing of Jeroboam’s shriveled hand.

Now God had commanded “this man of God” (who remains nameless) to not eat or drink while in Judah or return by the way he came. Well long story short, an old prophet heard about this man of God and what he had prophesied against King Jeroboam, and hurried and met this man of God on his way back to Judah (Southern part). This old prophet then asked this man of God to come to his home and eat and drink before he went on his way. The man of God initially refused, saying God had told him not to eat or drink while he was there. But then this old prophet LIED to the man of God, and said that he too had received word from an angel of God, and that he was to provide food and drink to this man of God.

So this man of God, deceived by the old prophet, went to the old prophet’s home and ate and drank. At which point the old prophet then truly did receive a prophesy from God, and said that the man of God had defied the word of the Lord, and because of his disobedience, he would not be buried in the tomb of his fathers. And sure enough, on the way back to Judah (after his meal with the old prophet), man of God was killed by a lion.

Huh! Why did the old prophet lie? If he too was a prophet, shouldn’t he aid another man of God, and not hinder him? And wasn’t his sin more terribly worse than the man of God’s, for the old prophet intentionally lied to the man of God. The man of God was simply deceived by a lie, and didn’t intend to disobey God. Yet it was the deceived man of God who was killed by a lion after the meal, while the old prophet continued to live. Doesn’t that seem unfair?? What a baffling scenario.

But as I think about this… I started to realize a number of things.

1. What ever God asks or commands us to do, it is best to obey. There are no mixed messages and conflicting messages God will send.

2. There are adverse consequences that come out of disobeying God’s commands. The blessings and riches athat come out of obeying his commands are much more than even we can ask for.

3. Simply because someone says he or she is a man of God, truly doesn’t mean too much. That should not be the jumping point of taking absolute blind faith and listening to their advice or suggestions. Ultimately it is between you and God. Not you-the other person of God – and God.

4. a sin is a sin is a sin. There are no excuses for sins. One can’t simply say, “the old prophet deceived me into disobeying your command and committing a sin”

One can’t look at the 10 commandments and say, “oh, there is good reason for me not to obey commandments 3, 5, 7 and 9.” It simply doesn’t work that way.

So I guess no matter how unfair it may seem, ultimately the choice to disobey was the man of God’s choice, not the old prophet’s choice. And regardless of excuses of being deceived, or just cause, or reasonable doubt… or any other legalistic reasoning of why it could be OK to disobey God’s commandments, there are none that could ever excuse us from disobeying His commandments.

I guess even the story of Adam and Eve, where Eve blames the serpent, and Adam blames Eve… no matter that Eve was deceived by the serpent… ultimately it was her choice to disobey God’s word to not eat fruit of that particular tree.  And it was Adam’s choice to eat the fruit offered to him by Eve.  There are no excuses, and no humanly possible reason to excuse us from picking and choosing what commandments of God that we will follow.

Ultimately, in the end, the people we can blame are ourselves.  For we are the ones that choose to disobey the commandments.

A few days ago, we went to a bookstore, and I happened to see a book titled, “The Birth Order Book: Why you are the way you are” by Dr. Kevin Leman. Wondering how birth order could affect who I am as a person, I rifled through it, reading bits and pieces.

I have to say, it’s a fascinating read. I regret not buying the book. But the little I garnered from skimmig it quickly, Dr. Leman outlined a few traits for various positions of the birth order.

First borns (or only children) apparently are the conscientious, high achieving, people pleasing, list making, responsible, academic ones. These are the ones who also in appearance are well groomed and well dressed, and very put together. Apparently many 1st borns and only children are pastors, presidents, CEO’s, MD’s, lawyers, architects, engineers, and accountants. They are natural born leaders. They are also natural born critics. They see flaws right away, and point them out. They are perfectionists by nature, and gravitate towards exacting professions, or ones with lots of leadership qualitities. They are industrious, and work hard to achieve success.

The middle born children apparently are a paradox. Full of contradictions, they tend to be almost the opposite of the 1st born child. They tend to leave home 1st and move away from family. This is the group, that while growing up in the middle, feel rejected by family, and instead end up reaching out to their friends, and even allowing frienships to take the place or role of what family members should hold. And because they grew up feeling rejected and in some sense also rejecting their immediate family, when they end up marrying, they apparently become THE MOST committed marriage partner (compared to other birth order spouse). In fact, Dr. Leman even points out how middle born children can be taken advantage of by their spouses, simply because of their sheer magnitude of commitment to their marriage.

They tend to be good negotiators, and good communicators, having grown up squished in the middle of the pack. By the same token, middle born children tend to avoid conflict, and may ultimately be poor conflict resolvers because they end up side stepping it all the time. They are independent and secretive. To me, it almost sounds like the middle born child is a rebel. Apparently, unlike the first borns who accept authoritarian figures and established authority, the middle born children tend to reject authority figures. They are in many sense of the word, a maverick.

The last born (or baby) of the family stays close to home, and is charming in personality, manipulative, outgoing, perceptive of others, and is all about themselves. They want attention, as well as acknowledgement that they have suceeded. Apparently this group tends to be poor with money management, and live life with such freedom that in many ways the term “life is a beach” can be applied to them. Life is full of adventure, and they may forget the serious and responsible duties of life, and these may fall to the wayside. They’ve always had someone looking out for them, and continue to behave in this manner even as an adult. Apparently the last born children make good salesmen.

This is of course, the only bare bones I got from skimming Dr. Leman’s book, and kind of wish I had bought it outright. It’s a fascinating read, and actually helped me to understand my siblings and their behaviors. Behaviors that are so far removed from me sometimes, it was almost incomprehensible and frustrating.

By the same token, Dr. Leman also writes about how role reversals can occur, where sometimes the 1st born (growing up in a hypercritical parental environment) ends up NOT taking on any 1st born characteristics, and instead the 2nd born ends up becoming essentially the functional 1st born (i.e. high achieving, conscientious, people pleasing, authority accepting etc). This may also explain why a particular in-law (who will not be named), has the same birth order as me, is actually so behaviorally different than me.

He also writes of the best marriage combinations, of which birth orders fit with which ones best. It’s a fascinating read, and even better cause the author is Christian. Full of insight, it truly captures much truth. My summary probably is much too skimpy and doesn’t do his book much justice, as he has chapters and chapters devoted to each birth order. He goes over the major character traits, and how it can be a strength as well as a flaw. Likewise, I’m recalling everything from memory….. and it is always much better to directly read the original source.

Wonderful book, to say the least.

When I read this article, I felt a little sad.  Sad that it’s so dead on accurate about much of the people living in Northern California.  It’s also overwhelmingly sad that how a group of people with such ample opportunties, and priviledges, and wealth could not see how clearly blessed they are, and ultimately lead a life that is not abundant and overflowing in joy. 

It’s interesting to see how money, and the love of money or the worry of money can sometimes impact people in spiritual ways.  It’s also interesting how the poor think they are always exempt from issues related to money, and spiritually they are somehow superior than people who are wealthy.  Likewise, the wealthy often think that money doesn’t have a hold over them either, unlike the poor.

I’ve seen people at both spectrums of wealth, and to be frankly honest…. one’s level of material wealth or assets have little impingement on how money and financial related matters can adversely affect one’s spiritual walk with God.  Having a miserly spirit, lacking generosity, always looking for free handouts, and being obsessive over money can occur regardless of the final sum of money held in the bank account.