Lack of discipline… will it ever change in my personality?  But on the other hand, I have cleaned up the living room, steam cleaned the carpet, and scrubbed down the bathtub till it is gleaming clean.  Too bad the kitchen is a mess, and laundry is piled up.  How women in the ancient days, without a washing machine, without chemical cleaners, and without dishwashers and vacuums ever survived, I will never know.

Looking forward to seeing my mom tomorrow.  E. has been dancing around the house all day today, eager to see grandma, and singing songs of seeing her.  She is over the moon about grandma visiting tomorrow.  How I wish we lived closer to her than we do.  I think once our lives become a bit more stable, we will hatch a plan to move back East…. onward and eastward I say.

Deep down, we are East Coast people.  I don’t get this entitled attitude the Stanford graduates have, nor do I get this west coast attitude of not being grounded.  Whether it is boasting of one’s deeds, or one’s assets  or flaunting it… I just don’t get this west coast thing.  Don’t see MIT or Harvard graduates dropping their alma mater within 2 sentences of speaking to them.  Instead, their intelligence usually just comes forth.  Here, the Stanford grads somehow feel compelled to name drop, and they have this incredible sense of entitlement.

My in-laws will fit right in here.  Ooops… a little bit of a dig right there.  I’ll stop while I’m ahead.  :)

The way she said this in her rather unhurried, and teaching tone of voice, snapped me right back to the moment in time, and I stopped in my tracks, and stopped rushing out the door, to turn to her and asked, “do you like mommy’s shirt?”

To this, she responded very truthfully and quietly, “yes, it’s very soft.”

At to which point, everything now made sense.  The annoyance and sense of being late immediately drained from my body, and I felt incredibly guilty for having snapped at her, and felt almost a huge sense of guilt.  I felt remorse for my snappy and irritated tone of voice I had used on my innocent little daughter, who had taken the time to teach me her perspective.

I made a mental note to be more patient with my daughter.. not everything is as it seems in life.  To me, her actions felt like almost like a pestering annoyance… ignoring my request to let my shirt go, when in reality, she was exploring her world, touching and feeling something that felt delightful to her hands.  Touching the clothing of her mother that she loved.

Well, I think I was wrong in the way I treated my daughter, and I realized it acutely as soon as she patiently taught me so effectively WHY she was touching my shirt (which I had not even asked for an explanation).

On a total side note

I bought a big can of iced coffee can from Costco last weekend. The sample tasted amazing.  I’ve been using it lately to make iced latte coffee for myself.  The reality is that one is supposed to take a blender and blend the items… but again, I did not do this method.

But I digress.  This coffee, although tasting great, did NOT keep me up.  Being caffiene naive, this stuff should affect me like anything.  Instead…. I keep falling asleep.  Tonight I realized why.  As I passed by the can on the counter (in the kitchen) the label read, NO CAFFEINE.

that would explain why I keep nodding off after eating 2 cups of it in a row.  Sheesh.

Then there is the voyeurism.  People spending hours poring over other people’s pictures and the image of themselves that they portray out there.   How many people post on facebook the times they are crying or videos of their divorce or separation or the times they argue?  Nope, it’s the pics of their baby’s birth, or a wedding, engagement pictures, or conquering a mountain, or skiing down the Swiss alps, or sailing the Pacific ocean.  Someone once said to me, with the advent of facebook, people are more unhappy as they look at other people’s lives.  How true.  And, this fairly astute person also said, that our lives is what we WANT to portray on facebook.

This brings me to the condition of the human heart.  sigh.   Once when I was a naive young girl in my teens and 20′s I was proud to think that I only thought the best of people.  I honestly believed that everyone (including “bad” people) truly had a good part in their heart, if you dug really hard… and that some people were just screwed up because of their tragic experiences.  But now… my world paradigm has shifted.  Or perhaps I’m just bitter, old and cynical.  After a few bad run ins with bad people who… I’ve decided that some people are just bad, and you can not truly find an ounce of goodness in them.  That truly, the only way we are “good” is through the redemption of Jesus Christ.  Until then.. our hearts are truly … what is that word that begins with a “d” … it’s on the tip of my tongue.. meaning degenerate, deceiving, destitute etc.  All the bad connotative d words.

Anyways, just more random thoughts of mine at 5 am in the morning.

On a total side note… God is GOOD.  How good when you see prayers answered.

in my “old” age…. for truly I am older, not “old”… but, anyways, what I’ve learnt so far in my short life thus far, is to always dream big.  I’m not saying dream stupid or ridiculous… but to remember that our God is an awesome God, who does hear all things, and to take a larger vision for things, and to dream big, and expect big things to happen.
Random thought.

Another random thought, random because I hate to organize it into a nice flowing piece of written work (as I am truly lazy right now)… is that yesterday I picked up my daughter from her last day of summer camp (at her church).  And while the parents were there, and all the kids were gathered, they had a praise time.  And they sang the song “Undignified”

And these kids, my daughter included, truly were rejoicing in this song… dancing and singing.  I saw my little daughter, who is just a toddler preschooler, dancing and singing wholeheartedly, jumping up and down with joy to the song, and how my heart rejoiced.  There are moments in life, that just makes you smile and sing inside.  That was one of those moments.  :)

Here is the song…..

Then baby got discharged with jaundice, then went onto to develop umbilical cord infection (thank God – literally – for my mom who cared for the cord and helped me get rid of the infection and pus), then got an extremely bad case of thrush, followed by blood in the stool (probably due to a milk protein allergy), followed by a bad case of reflux (often showing up as projectile vomiting on a daily basis).  Things seems to be subsiding somewhat, but I’m exhausted and so is hubby.  Poor 1st born child is crying out for attention these days.  sigh.

I love my children to bits, but I forgot how exhausting things can be sometimes.  But I do love the kids.  I’m not super happy with the name we gave him.  Part of it is that we never got around to reconsidering what to name him as with the bleeding in hospital left me so weak, I ended up going with whatever we had kind of thought of previously.

Now looking back, I wish I had given his middle name to be Nehemiah.  I just realized I blogged about Nehemiah many moons ago, and the type of man and character he had.  Clearly my memory is going pretty bad, as I completely forgot.  Sigh.  again.

oh well.

But baby’s 1st name is something that I’m not 100% satisfied with.  But if we change it now… I feel like I will burden the little guy with 2 birth certificates.  sigh again.  :(

What to do…..

hum….

I am not too sure yet.

Reject the thought that you are better than anyone else. If you think such haughty thoughts, God (who knows what is in you) will consider you worse than they. …It will not hurt you to consider yourself less righteous than others, but it will be disastrous for you to consider yourself better than even one person. The humble are always at peace; the proud are often envious and angry.

Don’t think that you have made any progress at all until you see less virtue in yourself than in anybody else.

great food for thought, especially for Christians.

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